For this week's blog, I’m sharing an excerpt from the JOY Starts Here book that is the basis for our January series. I found this comparison to be an accurate description of what I’ve encountered personally and have seen pastorally many times. The goal is to grow in our role as protectors and learn how to avoid being -- and respond healthfully to others when they may be -- predators or possums.
“By delighting in relationships, we create belonging around ourselves. “Creating belonging” means that we continually create a joyful place for others to belong with us. When we create belonging, our joy extends an invitation for others to grow joy together with us. Joyful belonging grows relationships, seeks others, and builds when others smile back. Creating belonging is the best indicator of maturity at any age. When we create belonging around us, we are growing a network of joyful relationships. Our “herd” is connected and empowered by joy, and seeks to invite others to share joy with us.
There are three response styles that distinguish people in our herd. Any one of us can have all three. The first type of herd member is protectors. Untraumatized people who grow up in high-joy homes tend to become protectors. Protectors have strong joyful identities that welcome others and have tender hearts toward weakness. Protectors do not exploit weaknesses, but instead help vulnerable herd members grow in joy. Protectors do not enable dysfunctional behavior but quickly protect the weak. When our herd has high joy, the members tend to develop strong protector skills.
Predators are the primary fear-based response style in the herd. The brain is pre-wired for predator responses. Without training, predator responses are all we have. We need training by gentle protectors who respond tenderly to weakness, or we will respond like predators and prey. Predators discover the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of others and exploit them. Predators use weaknesses to obtain or train dominance in the food chain. Predators fiercely guard their positions and will hurt others in the herd if threatened. Predators also do their best to hide their weaknesses and appear strong to assure their positions. Predators are the most common product of low-joy herds.
Possums are the other fear- and anxiety-based response style found in low-joy herds. Possums do not occupy positions of dominance in the herd, and their style is based primarily on avoiding being exploited by predators. Possums have usually been hurt in relationships and will do most anything to avoid being hurt again. Possums hide, avoid, minimize, withdraw, and conceal their weaknesses as much as possible. Unfortunately for possums, their low-joy environment creates weaknesses and vulnerabilities that are impossible to conceal. Predators on the prowl are likely to spot and exploit these vulnerabilities, leaving possums feeling ashamed, used, and even more fearful.”
(Dr. Wilder, from Joy Starts Here pf 13)